We all know the risks of sex and HIV exposure.The choices are known.The potential consequences are known.The odds are known.Is it then a question of ‘deal… or no deal’?
It has occurred to me that since my positive diagnosis at the beginning of November 2005(about a year-and-a-half ago) I have experienced few, if any situations where I have simultaneously disclosed my status to an individual and had sex with them.That’s not to say that I have chosen always to keep the fact that I am living with HIV private - I have disclosed my status on occasions with those whom my intention is to have sexual activity with.And sure, as a sexually active male in London - I identify as gay and non-partnered - I have had casual, often anonymous sexual encounters with men during this time (sometimes devoid of any verbal communication).Reflecting back on my (limited) experiences in this relatively short timescale, interestingly for me the two- disclosure and sex, appear rarely, if ever to have gone together!
To clarify and put that plainly, I’ve realised that generally, I’ve either not actually disclosed my status but had sex or not actually had sex with anyone once my status has been disclosed to them!(Except in one situation and he was HIV-positive too!)
A sad but simple tale of rejection and prejudice follows then?Well.. no, actually.That may well be a part of my experience, but my account aims to be far more hard-hitting and controversial than that!
My revelation whereby sex has tended not to follow disclosure may, or may not come as a surprise to those who also live with HIV and constantly battle with the ‘self’ about disclosure.To tell or not to tell… that is the question!Which I can only assume has, or continues to be debated, to varying degrees, in the minds of those of us who live with the condition on a daily basis.And I can reasonable assume there may be the twin fears – rejection, and increasingly now, prosecution.As an individual however, I can only share with any conviction my own related thought processes around these two identified fears, which I have experienced, and will continue to.
But this account aims to reveal more than just that.It may be more appropriately described as a confessional exploration of dilemma and ‘self’ behaviour, of choice and consequence, of ‘desired’ unprotected (barebacking or raw) sex over ‘sensible’ safer sex.
This account is primarily about me – my thought processes and actions around sex and the desire for sex with men whilst being conscious that I live in an HIV-positive body.My own related thought processes are as unique to me as I am myself - they are about my ‘self’.They shape and determine actions that I take, and stay with me before, during and after any sexual activity.They may be modified as a consequence of that activity to, in turn, influence any future activity – the ‘learning process’.I learn from my own experiences the same as anyone else and also from the sharing of mutual experiences.
I make a conscious choice to share (anonymously) some of my personal thoughts as well as experiences – which may make for distressing reading - with the intention that other people may relate to them in some meaningful, constructive way.In essence I aim to openly reveal my thinking and (limited) experiences around living with HIV, disclosure and sexual interaction with men – both safer and unprotected in my short journey thus far; a journey which coincides with heightened debate surrounding the criminalisation of HIV transmission.
An admission that I’ve not yet simultaneously experienced being in any kind of liaison with a guy that could be considered a relationship, committed or otherwise, shows the fact that my experience is not necessarily through any conscious choice made on my part.What I wanted, what I chose and what I subsequently practised may well be at odds with each other.It also shows that, in effect, whilst living with HIV I have generally only experienced the kind of sex in which the act itself can only be described as being devoid of love, emotion, affection and, perhaps most significantly, of personality.
I do so want to paint a balanced, accurate, honest picture that reflects me in as far as my subjectivity will allow.I’m not averse to the idea of being in a loving, caring relationship with another guy (HIV-positive or negative) who accepts me for who I am, in which our sexual practices are appropriate (safer) to and agreed between us, but I have to say it hasn’t happened for me, yet!
Since coming to London as a young man of 22, in a Dick Whittington-esque search for fame and fortune, my personal history shows that I have spent most of the ensuing 23 years within one relationship or another – some of which have even overlapped!It happens!My last relationship ended in mid-2004 (it was he who found another!)I’ve not ruled out the prospect of being in one since then, even though I live with the HIV that I’ve acquired during sexual activity since that break-up.It just hasn’t happened…yet!
In painting a balanced, accurate, honest picture that reflects me I feel the need to make it known that as a single, gay man with a sexual appetite, I am not against the idea, and need to practice safer sex per se.But - and it’s a big ‘but’ - I confess I am sometimes lured by some ‘inexplicable’ desire for the thrill of unprotected (bareback or raw) sex.This was so before my exposure to HIV, and remains with me now despite all the rational arguments against such activity.
The lure of risky sex is inexplicable in that I can’t construct a justifiable argument to account for why this desire presents itself, and so strongly at times, to me.I could set out some reasoned explanations, I could raise the fact that some psychological process appears to work against me when I try to use a condom if I choose to take the ‘top’ role, I could express the notion that the experience of ‘skin-on-skin’ feels more natural, sensual and enables me to feel more closely connected to a sexual partner.I could admit that I find, in a ‘bottom’ role, the anticipation of the warm sensation from ejaculated semen (as well as the physical experience) is a sexual thrill, just in itself.I could even resort to saying – “well, I’m not the only one!”But I know it would not be a strong rationale against the counter argument of ‘sensible, safer sexual practices.
When I first began to explore my sexual freedom when I arrived in London in 1983, HIV/AIDS was new and emerging and some of my first experiences were without a condom.Within a few years I was settled in a committed, loving and (as far as I can reasonably say) monogamous relationship, and although neither of us took an HIV test, we dispensed with the condoms shortly into the relationship, which lasted almost a decade.It was then the mid-nineties before I was sexually active again on the gay scene and with my awareness of risk, I more than embraced and complied with condom use for sexual partners, taking a pro-active stance.It was the anxiety created by a mishap over condom use with a casual sexual partner that prompted me into taking my first HIV test in 1995.Fast-forward ten years and 2005 sees me, several (failed) relationships later, jobless and in a state of clinical depression, feeling ‘middle-aged’ and ‘left on the shelf’, non-partnered, with a PC, and for the first time – exploring the joys (and perils!) of internet ‘dating’!
Here I found information about and access to bare-backing or raw sex parties through gay dating sites at private addresses that were just up the road (well almost!)In my ‘I’m disillusioned with life’ mode and with an “Oh, what have I got to lose?Go for it!” attitude.I got stuck in, so to speak.No surprises then to state that within six months of my first barebacking party (“But I only ever went to four!”) I had an HIV positive diagnosis.And following my diagnosis?Well, I haven’t actually been to one since!
One of the responses that friends posed on hearing of my diagnosis was the assumption-loaded question “Do you know who he was?”I found it irritating.They knew nothing of the kind of sex-life I was choosing to have or indeed settling for (I rarely discuss it even with the closest of friends.)It could have been any one of the guys at one of these four parties.It could have been any one of the guys during the sexual acts I engaged in during the one (and only!) night I went to a hard-core sex club night that summer.It could have been any one I had sex with on one of my visits to a gay sauna.It could have been any one of two ‘sex’ buddies I hooked up at times during this period.It seemed to me, that in their eyes, they just wanted to ‘lay the blame at him’ and not me!Even if they did want to blame me, it was still easier to blame him.But it remains the case that the one consistent factor throughout, it has to be stressed – was my ‘self’.I was that one.I, personally, don’t feel blame towards him.Even if I knew who he was, I still don’t think I would feel blame towards him.I prefer to think in terms of responsibility rather than blame.I think with sexual liaisons between two (or more) parties, responsibility must be considered as a shared responsibility.I feel I have to take responsibility for the consequences of my own desires, choices and actions.In that respect then, I feel I ‘played my part’ in my acquisition of the HIV virus.
Despite making that statement, however, flipping over the coin, I think being HIV positive brings with it a sense of responsibility to the other ‘self’, the other sexual partner, the need to act responsibly towards them in sexual activity with them.The way to do this would be to always engage in safer sex acts.Simple in theory.I know the sentiment to ‘protect’ the other is there for me.I feel I can say that with some degree of conviction.But the desire and lure for barebacking, fed by experience, hasn’t gone away since my diagnosis.These thoughts still rear themselves.This is despite my diagnosis and the fact that I now live daily with the consequences of having had ‘unprotected’ sex.They challenge the fact that I made a pledge with myself that ‘I never want to pass this condition on to someone else’ and vowed to always act responsibly and practice safer sex thereafter.I’d even read out, like some public declaration, a poem at a World Aids Day event at my local support group that stated my personal commitment to be ‘safe’.A particular line “I want you to be safe with me” resonates.
Given this modified attitude, I have demonstrably altered my approach towards engaging another in collusion with me (cruising) to feed my (and his) sexual desires.Consider internet dating.
I AM MINDFUL OF THE FACT ALWAYS WE ARE ALL, WELL, HUMAN!BEHIND THE PHOTO ON AN INTERNET PROFILE IS A PERSON – IN THIS CASE, A GUY WITH HIS OWN UNIQUE SET OF VARIABLES, INCLUDING HIS HEALTH AND HIS FEELINGS.
In this vein, I have openly told several prospective sexual partners that I am HIV-positive.In one situation, I belatedly told a ‘sex’ buddyabout my diagnosis through an email on the internet site that I had originally met him on.He wrote back indicating he was happy to continue to meet still.I too, was happy to meet and continue to practice safer sex with him (I recall it was me who provided the condoms, and was even alarmed when he did not have any of his own when I arrived at his place!I even left him some!)However, the next time we made a firm arrangement, he did not respond to my text, and has not been in touch since.In another, I met up with a guy I had chatted to on the same site, and we met up for one of those ‘old-fashioned’, charming dates.He invited me to the cinema, paid for me to go in, bought me a tub of popcorn (bless!), and after the film we went for a drink to the local gay pub.I’d read that he had indicated he practised safer sex on his profile and I chose to tell him of my status.He made ‘all the right noises’ there and then.We went our separate ways that night and we continued to chat online for a while, but the chat fell away and, aside from bumping into him in the street (He was in a hurry), I’ve not seen him for dust!
With hindsight, was there any real advantage, to either party, if the intention was to practice safer sex?Were these cases of rejection based on ignorance of HIV or HIV-phobia?The jury’s out.
I have demonstrably altered my approach towards others to some extent.I need to qualify this with the phrase ‘to some extent’ because this is where and how the dilemma between safer and unprotected sex seems to manifest.I know this may be a shocking statement to make but I can pursue my desire for bareback sex when another is willing to collude with me in this process, and I don’t need to relate to them in any way as a person.There are other men who have sex with men out there who, whether they fit into this same category of reasoning or not, choose to engage in this activity, and collude with the processes at work.There are numerous, specific, identifiable, gay venues (as well as private addresses) in London where I can easily seek out and engage, anonymously, in sexual acts (safer or otherwise) with other men in which there is no desire, or need for, verbal communication.
Implicit in this activity is the notion that sexual acts may be devoid of love, affection, emotion and personality.In other words, during sexual encounters of this nature the other participant(s) and I may be described as having colluded in some way to deny our individual ‘selves’; to deny that we are each a ‘person’ with thoughts and feelings to collectively satisfy our respective needs.Such venues are often dimly lit.This is conducive to easy detachment from the real world outside and which conspires to help the ‘self’ deny any life or ‘baggage’ outside that place of illicit sexual activity.For that brief period, some can consciously choose to ignore that they are partnered, married or ‘straight’.Some can consciously choose to ignore that they are HIV-positive and block out rational thoughts on the risks to ‘self’ and the ‘other’.It may be easy to ignore HIV when you deny the ‘person’!
So how can this question of responsibility - joint responsibility be squared with the increases in prosecution for ‘reckless’ transmission?
I am in no way admonishing any sense of responsibility on my part in stressing this ease of availability of bareback sex i.e. ‘it’s easily available, others participate, and it’s not my responsibility then’ – I stress it for context.The widespread desire for bareback sex is a fact; an integral component in the contemporary gay scene.I can choose to collude with others, either in one-to-one scenarios, or group activity.As individuals they too collude (by choice, not by force) to take their ‘selves’ into the frame.The risks are well known, the choices are known, the potential consequences are known and the odds are known.It is a question of ‘deal - or no deal’.
We take responsibility for our ‘selves’ with us.No ‘self’ can firmly put the responsibility into the hands of another in a setting where choices are made.
In such scenarios, it is the individual ‘selves’, complete with our own set of complex feelings, attitudes, beliefs, knowledge and experience, that work to bring our ‘selves’ together for a specific, sexual purpose, and it is our ‘selves’ that remain with us thereafter - complete with any acquired consequences.
